No Excuses, No Limits: My Personal Journey Towards Health & Happiness | Journal Entry # 3

Diagnosed with multiple sclerosis aka MS in May 2009, Patrice Majors the co-owner and founder of FOCUS on the 615, shares her personal story about living with this disease as she tells you where she’s been, how she got here, and where she’s headed.  As a result of numerous problems with MS and a recent health scare with her heart, she embarks on a journey to return to the best shape she can get into.  She will share with you what she learns about good health along the way as she trains and prepares to enter the MS Jack and Back bike event here in Nashville in the fall where she has set her goal to complete the 120 mile bike ride from Nashville to Lynchburg, TN (Jack Daniels Distillery) and back in a 2-day ride.  Come share the experience with her as she trains for this event and tells you her story of how she got here in the first place seeking to raise awareness for MS along the way.

 

The Dark Place

Well, after the benefit was done and the month of house rest, things settled down a bit.  Fortunately for me, Copaxone which is one of the MS therapies, does work for me.  It was able to stop the progression and things calmed down.  However, as things began to settle down and friends went back to their normal lives, there was just me left to deal with my “new normal” of living with MS.

As I began taking my daily injections of my MS therapy and any support I got seemed to wain from that point on, I found myself entering a very dark time in my life.  I can’t really explain it, because I’ve always been a very happy, social person.  I think it was partly due to the effects of the medication on my body and the lesions that had formed on my brain.  Everything was different for me.  It seemed that rather than friendship, I found myself being pitied.  The phrase “poor Patrice” was often used by well-meaning people.  Oh, and there was the well-meaning tilt of the head, the quick glance over to access how I was doing, and the slightly patronizing “how are you doing Patrice” with the curious look.  There were also the statements of “you don’t look sick” and being told by some friends that other friends just didn’t know how to be around me anymore.  They didn’t know what to say and had never dealt with anything like that before.  Me being the proud person I was, I figured if some didn’t know how to be around me anymore simply because I now have a disease, then I would remove that burden from their life and cease to put them in that uncomfortable position.  The truth was that I didn’t even know how to be ME anymore.

All of a sudden, my once healthy body had been replaced by a lemon.  I was having to take daily injections of a very powerful medication, plus there was a new symptom that was rearing its ugly head: anxiety.  I found that when I tried to go out, when I entered a room full of people I didn’t know, I was overcome suddenly by anxiety attacks.  These attacks left me confused and distraught.  HOW had I gone from being very comfortable in a room full of strangers to be frightened by it? My heart would pound, I felt like I couldn’t breathe, and I would get an overwhelming urge to leave immediately wherever it was that I was at.  I would literally bolt from the room until I could get outside to be alone where I could breathe and that’s when the tears would flow.  What was going on with me? Why was ALL this happening to me? What had I done wrong that I deserved to be punished and given MS?

It was during this time period that I spiraled down into a very dark place.  I no longer wanted to go out only to suffer from anxiety attacks and risk being possibly embarrassed.  I felt like no one understood me or wanted to be around me anymore, like I was a burden or someone to be pitied to everyone.  My pride wasn’t going to allow that.  So, I did what I thought was best for me and I removed myself from all equations.  I rarely if ever went out in public.  Friends would call or text and those would be ignored.  Invitations would come and there was always an excuse why I couldn’t come.  Pretty soon after turning down so many offers because I was simply uninterested, the calls and texts became less frequent until they just stopped all together.  I was alone.  Seeking solace in listening to music and just being around my 3 cats brought me some comfort.  But, I found myself filled with anger, bitterness, and overall sadness.  I didn’t know how to be me anymore.  I just wanted to cease to exist altogether, to disappear.  Any confidence I had in myself was now gone.  “Why me?”  I kept asking.  What was it that I had done that I that I know deserved to be punished by having MS? I had tried to make sense of it.  I’d always tried to give to others.  There were all the benefits I organized.  I tried to help others and always kind, but there must’ve been something about me that caused me to be punished and given this disease.  I figured it was only a matter of time that I would lose my ability to walk or my site.  I wondered what life would be like then.  That was no life that I wanted any part of.  I just wanted to cease to exist.  Darkness fell upon my life and try as I might, I couldn’t see the good.  This lasted for 1 1/2 years.  Severe depression had taken a hold of me and it wasn’t letting go.